Touch Habeas Corpus and We Go On Strike: A Very Calm, Reasonable Response to Authoritarian Dipshittery

By Michael Kelman Portney, a.k.a. The American Gadfly

I. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, AND NO, YOU’RE NOT OVERREACTING

Let’s say this up front, with the appropriate level of rhetorical fire:
If Donald Trump or Stephen Miller even breathes in the direction of suspending habeas corpus, we shut the country down. General strike. All of it. Coffee shops. Shipping ports. TikTok thirst traps. All of it. Gone. Vapor. Nada.

Because we’ve seen this movie before. The working title was Fascism: Oops, All Berries! and spoiler alert—it doesn’t end with a triumphant orchestral swell and freedom for all. It ends with ash, propaganda, and Stephen Miller writing new legal codes in the basement like a diseased gnome from a rejected Harry Potter spinoff.

But let’s break it down for anyone who’s been living under a rock—or, more likely, a pile of “Make America Great Again” merch manufactured in a Chinese sweatshop.

II. WHAT THE HELL IS HABEAS CORPUS AND WHY SHOULD YOU CARE?

Habeas corpus is Latin for “you can’t just kidnap someone and throw them in a cage without telling anybody, you psychotic monarch.”

Okay, technically, it means “you shall have the body,” but the spirit is the same: It’s the idea that the government doesn’t get to imprison people arbitrarily. They have to justify it. In public. In court.

It’s one of the few guardrails we have left on the slippery slope to a banana republic—minus the bananas or the republic. It’s the legal version of “you don’t get to Ghost me, bro.” Without it, the state can disappear you like a magician pulling dissenters out of a hat and straight into Guantanamo.

III. THE DUMBEST IDEA SINCE THE BLEACH DRINKING PRESS CONFERENCE

Now, in comes Donald Trump—reality-TV despot and rotting creamsicle of a man—floating the idea of maybe, possibly suspending habeas corpus if it “becomes necessary.” And right next to him, clapping like a wind-up fascist seal, is Stephen Miller: the kind of guy who uses the Constitution as a napkin after chewing on live bats.

These two are suggesting we should just pause one of the oldest legal protections in the Western canon, like it’s a Netflix show you’re not in the mood for. “Oh yeah, habeas corpus? Not vibing with it right now. Let’s circle back in Q3.”

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. But fascists, you’ll notice, don’t read instruction manuals—especially ones that start with “We the People.”

IV. HISTORY CALLED. IT WANTS ITS RED FLAGS BACK.

Here’s the part that keeps getting missed: suspending habeas corpus isn’t a new trick. Lincoln did it during the Civil War—and people lost their damn minds about it. FDR essentially danced around it with the internment of Japanese Americans. George W. Bush flirted with it at Gitmo. Every time, it was a bad look. And every time, it was rationalized as necessary for “security.”

Here’s the difference: we’re not in a Civil War (yet). There’s no massive foreign invasion (unless you count TikTok trends). There is no credible justification to nuke the most basic civil liberty just because it’s inconvenient for Donald’s latest tantrum.

But Trump doesn’t care about precedent. He doesn’t even care about presidents unless they’re on money or under indictment. He just wants the power to make his enemies disappear—journalists, prosecutors, ex-lawyers, women who say no to him. And Miller? He wants a blank canvas for his bureaucratic torture porn.

V. MILLER: THE MECHANICAL PENCIL OF AUTHORITARIANISM

Let’s take a second to appreciate the unique banality of Stephen Miller. If racism were a Pokémon, Miller would be its final evolution. He is not charismatic. He is not clever. He is efficiently evil, like a printer that only jams when you’re about to leave the office.

This is a man who weaponized boredom. He took dry policy briefs and turned them into acts of cruelty. Family separation? That was his baby. Muslim ban? Also him. Detention without due process? A wet dream for Miller.

So when he starts whispering about suspending habeas corpus like it’s just another policy tweak—like switching from plastic straws to metal ones—you better start packing the picket signs and calling your union rep.

Because the only thing more dangerous than a charismatic tyrant is a diligent one.

VI. THIS IS ABOUT ALL OF US, NOT JUST THE “BAD GUYS”

Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, I’m not a criminal. I don’t plan on pissing off Trump. Why should I care?”

Because you don’t get to control who’s labeled a threat in a fascist regime. One minute it’s “the violent criminals,” the next it’s “the protesters,” then it’s “the journalists,” and finally, it’s you—because you made a sarcastic tweet or donated to Planned Parenthood or looked like someone who once read The New Yorker.

This is how it starts. Not with a bang, but with a slow, grinding erosion of civil liberties while people say, “Eh, that’s probably not about me.”

Newsflash: it is about you. It’s always been about you. That’s the whole point of rights—they’re universal. If they only apply when it’s convenient, they’re not rights. They’re privileges. And fascists love nothing more than revoking privileges.

VII. THE GENERAL STRIKE: THE “OFF” SWITCH FOR TYRANNY

Now let’s talk about the only appropriate response: the general strike.

We’re not going to beat this with tweets. We’re not going to out-meme authoritarianism. And Lord knows the Democrats are going to respond with something between a strongly worded letter and a candlelight vigil featuring acoustic guitars and a gentle sobbing circle.

No.

What we need is economic warfare. If Trump or Miller suspends habeas corpus, we don’t go to work. Anywhere. Full stop. We clog every artery of the American economy. No Amazon. No Uber. No TikToks. No Twitch streams. No nothing.

Let the billionaires cry into their non-fungible yachts. Let the stock market shit its pants. That’s how you make oligarchs listen: hit their wallets. Civil liberties don’t matter to them—but quarterly earnings do.

We’ll call it “Habeas Shutdown ‘25.” And it will be glorious.

VIII. TO THE BOOTLICKERS WHO THINK THIS IS JUSTIFIED: SHUT UP

“But the Constitution allows for habeas corpus to be suspended in cases of rebellion or invasion!”

Okay, you originalist parrots, here’s the thing: we’re not in a rebellion. Unless you count the one Trump is leading against democracy. And we’re not being invaded unless Elon Musk finally launches that Mars colony and it declares war on Earth.

If you think defending civil liberties makes you a traitor, you’ve already lost the plot. You’re not a patriot. You’re just a mall cop in a cosplay militia.

And to the “moderates” and “reasonable centrists” who want to meet fascism halfway: you’re negotiating with a hostage-taker. There is no compromise with someone who wants to turn the Justice Department into a personal hit squad.

IX. DON’T WAIT FOR CNN TO TELL YOU TO PANIC

If you’re waiting for the New York Times op-ed section to declare this a crisis, you’ve already missed the train. The media will normalize this. That’s what they do.

You’ll get headlines like:

• “Trump Suggests Emergency Legal Measure Amid Rising Tensions”

• “Miller Defends Historic Flexibility in Executive Power”

• “Is Habeas Corpus Outdated? A Roundtable Discussion”

And while Chuck Todd furrows his brow and Jake Tapper does his Serious Face, we’ll be watching the lights go out one right at a time.

This is not a hypothetical. It’s a warning shot. And the time to act isn’t after they’ve crossed the line. It’s when they’re drawing the chalk outline.

X. THE LAST LAUGH (WON’T BE THEIRS)

We’ve got one shot at this. Because once habeas corpus is gone, everything else is up for grabs. Free speech? Assembly? Voting rights? If you think those are safe while people can be jailed without due process, I have a Trump NFT to sell you.

So we draw the line here. Not tomorrow. Not when the Supreme Court “reluctantly agrees.” Now.

If they suspend habeas corpus:
Strike. Walk out. Shut down. Crash the damn system.
From Walmart to Wall Street. From DoorDash to Disney. No business as usual while the Constitution is on fire.

Because if we let them take this, they won’t stop. They never stop. Fascists are like termites in a McMansion—they won’t rest until every beam of democracy is hollow and crumbling.

And then they’ll blame the collapse on immigrants.

XI. IN CONCLUSION: FK AROUND AND FIND OUT**

To Trump, to Miller, to every gutless sycophant currently spit-polishing the boots of tyranny: touch habeas corpus and watch what happens.

We are not your pawns. We are not your peasants. We are not going quietly.

Suspend habeas corpus and we will suspend the economy.

Suspend habeas corpus and we will suspend the charade.

Suspend habeas corpus and we will suspend you—from every lever of power we can reach.

Join us. Plan now. Get your coworkers, your union, your followers. Make noise. Make plans. Don’t wait for someone else. This is the line.

If they suspend habeas corpus, we all stop working.
Period.
End of sentence.
End of tyrants.