The Razor Under the Ring: How Performative Empathy Becomes Emotional Control
By Michael Kelman Portney
Some people hurt you with volume. Others hurt you with a whisper. The most dangerous ones do it with a hug.
There’s a moment in professional wrestling—right before the crowd thinks they’ve seen real blood—when the wrestler subtly pulls out a tiny razor blade hidden in their wrist tape. They cut just deep enough across the forehead to produce a spectacular bleed. Then they toss the blade away, slump to the mat, and let the audience believe they’ve just watched a war. It’s called a blade job.
The point isn’t the blood. It’s that the pain is staged. The wound is real, but the story around it is manufactured.
This is exactly how performative empathy works in toxic dynamics.
It looks like care. It bleeds like concern. But it’s staged for control.
The Scripted Victim
Performative empathy is when someone says "I love you" while tightening the leash. It’s when “I’m just worried about you” really means “You’re making me look bad.” It’s when every conversation is about your tone, your attitude, your timing—never about their actions.
It’s someone saying:
"You need help."
"You're being irrational."
"I tried everything and you just won't change."
They never scream. They don’t have to. They’ve already cast themselves as the hero in your downfall.
And if you react? They point at the cut and say, "See? Look what you're doing to me."
But you didn’t bring the razor. They did.
DARVO: The Magic Trick of Abusers
There’s a name for what happens when you confront someone about their harm and they immediately flip the script:
Deny it happened.
Attack your credibility.
Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender.
DARVO is emotional sleight of hand. And when wrapped in concern, it’s almost undetectable—until you realize the entire narrative is upside down.
You say, “That hurt me.” They say, “You’re abusive for bringing it up.”
You say, “That was manipulation.” They say, “You’re paranoid and need help.”
By the time you’re defending your tone, your sanity, your memory, the frame is lost.
Why Survivors Sound Angry
This is why people who’ve been emotionally controlled often sound loud, unhinged, bitter.
It’s not because they’re unstable. It’s because they’ve been performing calm for so long just to survive, and now they’re done.
When someone finally screams, it’s not always because they lost control. Sometimes it’s because they finally have it.
The Razor is the Frame
Performative empathy isn't just about saying the right words—it's about owning the frame of reality. The razor under the ring is the tactic they use to set that frame:
Conditional love: "I care about you, but only if you behave."
Tone policing: "I’d listen, but not when you’re like this."
History erasure: "That never happened. You’re remembering it wrong."
Emotional hostage-taking: "I’m hurt that you’re upset with me."
Each one is a blade. You’re not supposed to see it. You’re just supposed to bleed for it.
What Real Empathy Feels Like
Here’s how you know someone’s empathy is real:
They don’t need to look good while apologizing.
They don’t correct your pain.
They don’t require you to say it gently.
They don’t make you prove it happened.
Real empathy doesn’t perform. It listens. It adjusts. It asks where the wound is instead of pointing at your scar.
Final Word: Stop Bleeding for Someone Else’s Show
You are not the villain in their script. You are not unstable for remembering what they want forgotten. You are not the problem because you finally screamed.
If you’ve been cast as the heel in someone else’s story, here’s the move:
Step out of the ring. Pick up the razor. Point at it. And say, “That’s the frame.”
And never let them cut you again.
