The Greater Good™: A User’s Manual for Institutional Self-Preservation
By Michael Kelman Portney
Congratulations!
You’ve reached the highest level of professional self-regard possible in modern public life: you are now part of an institution. Gone are the childish constraints of individual morality. Gone are the archaic hang-ups about truth, justice, or fairness. You have ascended into the cold, fluorescent heaven of process, policy, and plausible deniability. Welcome.
This manual is intended to guide you through the best practices of doing whatever it takes to preserve your institution while continuing to insist that you are acting “for the greater good.”
We call this model Bastardized Utilitarianism: the moral philosophy in which good is defined not by outcome for the many, but by outcome for the few who matter.
Let’s get started.
Chapter 1: Truth Is Optional, Optics Are Everything
In legacy institutions, truth used to be a virtue. Now, it is a vulnerability. Facts are dangerous when they're not vetted, narrated, or pre-spun. The first step to institutional longevity is understanding that truth can only hurt you if you acknowledge it.
Instead:
Rewrite internal events as "administrative irregularities."
Replace misconduct with "miscommunication."
When someone exposes a pattern, call it an "isolated anomaly."
And if they have the receipts? Seal them.
Truth is relative. Narrative is king. Own the story, or bury the witness.
Chapter 2: The Noble Lie, Rebranded
Plato introduced the concept of the noble lie to preserve harmony in society. You, dear reader, must go further: lie nobly and often, but only in service of maintaining the illusion that your institution works.
In this framework:
Perjury is "procedural confidence."
Retaliation is "risk management."
Silencing dissent becomes "trauma-informed containment."
When in doubt, invoke stability. If someone presses for accountability, ask:
*"But what would happen to the institution if the public lost faith in us?"
The lie is never about deceiving the people. It's about protecting them from the chaos that honesty would unleash.
Chapter 3: Utility Laundering — How to Justify Anything
Real utilitarianism asks: What brings the greatest good to the greatest number?
Bastardized utilitarianism asks: What helps us, hurts our enemnies, and doesn’t hurt our allies?
Once you internalize this principle, moral clarity becomes simple:
If a decision protects the institution, it is good.
If it benefits your side politically, it is ethical.
If it destroys someone inconvenient, it is necessary.
Congratulations! You've replaced justice with calculus. No need to feel guilt. You're serving the Greater Good™.
Chapter 4: Weaponized Ambiguity
One of the most powerful tools of institutional preservation is strategic vagueness.
Never answer a question directly. Instead:
Say it's under review.
Say it's outside your jurisdiction.
Say the record is sealed, confidential, or missing.
Say that further inquiry would "compromise the integrity of the process."
Ambiguity is a shield. The less the public understands, the more you control.
Chapter 5: Jurisdictional Jiu-Jitsu
When someone tries to hold you accountable:
Insist it's not your department.
If it is your department, say it’s a matter for the courts.
If it's in court, say it's not appropriate to comment on pending litigation.
If the litigation ends, say it's now a closed matter.
At no point are you to take ownership. The goal is not to be right, but to be unreachable.
Chapter 6: Selective Empathy
Empathy is a luxury. Use it strategically.
When an insider is caught in wrongdoing, talk about their "many years of service."
When an outsider is harmed, offer condolences but avoid admitting fault.
If the person harmed is marginalized, invoke their identity in press releases while doing absolutely nothing substantive for them.
This is how you show the world that you "care" while protecting those who actually matter.
Chapter 7: Ethics Are for Press Releases
Your ethics policy is not for guiding behavior. It's for reassuring stakeholders.
Use words like integrity, transparency, accountability.
Do not define them.
Do not measure them.
Above all, never enforce them against people who can retaliate.
If someone asks what ethical framework you use, say:
*"We apply a comprehensive analysis based on established guidelines and best practices."
Then change the subject.
Chapter 8: When All Else Fails, Pathologize the Whistleblower
If someone documents your failures:
Question their mental health.
Call them disruptive, obsessive, or aggressive.
Say their tone was inappropriate.
Suggest they're misinterpreting the facts.
If they won’t shut up, push them toward burnout. Make the process long, vague, exhausting. Let them collapse under the weight of your apathy.
If they go public, call it a misunderstanding. If they go federal, call it political.
Whatever happens, make sure the institution survives.
Final Chapter: The Greater Good™ Is a Brand
Never forget: you're not defending justice. You're defending a logo, a reputation, a narrative.
If someone is harmed along the way? That’s regrettable.
If someone exposes your wrongdoing? That’s unfortunate.
If someone demands change? That’s disruptive.
But if your institution remains intact?
Mission accomplished.
You served The Greater Good™.
And maybe, someday, they'll thank you for it.
End of Manual
For further training, please consult:
The Republic (Plato)
1984 (Orwell)
Any internal memo marked "Privileged & Confidential"
Your conscience, if you remember where you put it.
Filed under: Satire, Truth, and Professional Gaslighting
