Dan Patrick’s THC Circus: A Rhetorical Dissection of a Professional Bullshit Artist
By The American Gadfly
Step right up, folks. On May 28, 2025, Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick didn’t just hold a press conference—he held a one-man anti-weed pageant, complete with gummy worm props, reefer madness-level paranoia, and rhetorical gymnastics that would’ve made a Sophist blush.
But behind the table of mango jellies and the smug moral panic was a tactician wielding Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle like a kid with a Nerf gun—spraying ethos, pathos, and logos with reckless abandon. The result? A polished, calculated performance meant to manufacture outrage, rally support, and bulldoze facts in favor of fear.
Let’s break down the act, Aristotle-style.
🏛 ETHOS: “Trust me—I’m Dan.”
Patrick leaned hard on authority. His opening gambit wasn’t data—it was a table of snacks and his own Texan dad energy:
“This is not Dan’s folly. This is to save an entire generation.”
He sets himself up not as a politician—but as a paternal figure. The wise elder. The moral compass. The guy who’s just trying to protect the kids from Satan’s sour gummies.
This is classic ethos—projecting credibility not through expertise, but identity. He’s the protector. The concerned leader. The one guy willing to face down the THC tide while the media eats edibles and plays hacky sack.
But here’s the problem: ethos is meaningless if you’re selling snake oil. Patrick’s credibility comes from bluster, not substance. There’s no scientific consensus backing his sweeping claims. He isn’t citing peer-reviewed studies—he’s waving around “wedding cake” THC packaging like it’s evidence.
He wants to be the shepherd, but he’s really just a carnival barker yelling about wolves while selling overpriced cotton candy.
😱 PATHOS: Fear. Grief. Outrage. Gummy worms.
Next up: pathos. This is where he went full televangelist. His rhetorical strategy was emotional whiplash—using:
Tragic anecdotes (“A 22-year-old stepped in front of a train.”)
Paranoid hypotheticals (“Eat this bag tonight, see if you’re here tomorrow.”)
Mocking dismissals of the media (“Crazy talk.” “Stupid.”)
This was less press conference and more D.A.R.E. panic video from 1992. The goal wasn’t education—it was emotional coercion.
He’s not talking to Texans as adults. He’s grabbing their faces and screaming, “Won’t someone think of the children?!”
The irony? Pathos without logos is manipulation. And in this case, the emotional manipulation was cheap, exploitative, and pre-scripted. If someone told me the whole thing was a focus group-tested GOP theater project, I’d believe it before the train story.
📉 LOGOS: “You see this cereal? This is SCIENCE.”
Now here’s where it gets fun. Because this guy absolutely pretends to use logos—but it’s really just logos cosplay.
Patrick doesn’t cite credible data on THC’s dangers. Instead, he uses visual props to stand in for logic. Gummy worms are the villain. Neon packaging is the enemy. If it looks like candy, then it must be evil.
“This bag of jellies—mango, peach—for $90 a bag. Sends you sky high.”
Forget causality. Forget data. Just let the visual do the work.
This is classic false syllogism:
Kids like candy.
THC looks like candy.
Therefore, THC is targeting kids and must be banned.
It’s cargo cult logic: the trappings of rationality without the plane ever landing.
To be fair, there are legitimate public health conversations to be had about packaging and youth access. But Patrick doesn’t make those arguments. He steamrolls them with spectacle and weaponized anecdote.
🧠 THE BULLSHIT FORMULA: SPIN + PROP + MORAL PANIC
If you squint at the whole performance, you can see the scaffolding of a rhetorical psy-op.
Establish faux authority with an “I’m just a concerned dad” persona.
Use props to hijack the visual field and bypass the need for evidence.
Deploy tragedy to establish moral urgency and shut down debate.
Mock opposition to polarize the crowd and force alignment.
Refuse nuance—because nuance can’t go viral.
Patrick’s style isn’t about persuading the undecided. It’s about rallying the base. He’s not debating cannabis policy; he’s LARPing as Moses descending from Mount CBD.
And he knows exactly what he’s doing.
🚫 NO FUN FOR YOU: The War on All Autonomy
One of the most revealing moments came when a reporter dared to ask the forbidden question:
“Is there a way for adults to enjoy these products responsibly?”
Patrick didn’t flinch. He didn’t hesitate. He hit back like a middle school vice principal confiscating a Slipknot CD:
“We don’t want adults having it either.”
There it is. No room for nuance. No “we're just protecting the kids.” No “responsible adult use under regulation.” Just a flat-out rejection of bodily autonomy and adult choice.
This isn’t about health. It’s not even about kids. It’s about control. About moral policing. About pretending the War on Drugs still has legs, even after decades of failure and racialized enforcement.
In Aristotelian terms, Patrick just burned his own ethos—revealing the authoritarian undercurrent beneath the paternal performance. Because if you’re not even trying to allow adults to make informed decisions… you’re not a public servant. You’re a preacher in a cheap suit shouting from the pulpit of the state.
Patrick doesn’t want regulation. He wants prohibition. And not because THC is dangerous—but because freedom is.
This addition sharpens the blade and makes the rhetoric more honest. Let me know if you want it layered into the full piece as a polished final.
🤡 Conclusion: Dan Patrick—Sophist in Cowboy Boots
Dan Patrick isn’t just wrong. He’s a skilled bullshit artist—a man who’s read enough Aristotle to know how to sell fear with confidence, but not enough to do it ethically.
He has weaponized ethos, hijacked pathos, and faked logos to push a prohibitionist agenda in a state that increasingly sees cannabis as normal. He’s not just arguing bad policy—he’s fabricating a moral crisis, wrapping it in sugar, and lobbing it at the press like a THC grenade.
Don’t fall for it.
This wasn’t a press conference. It was performance art for the panicked and uninformed. And if he pulls it off, it won’t just be hemp gummies getting banned—it’ll be truth, science, and common sense going up in smoke.
*More rhetorical breakdowns and takedowns at https://www.misinformationsucks.com
